I am fatherless. My father left my mom, brothers and I when I was two years old.  I could count the times that I saw him.  I only stayed with him for the weekend once when I was 12.  It was only a couple months before he died of cancer. They found cancer throughout his body when they did exploratory surgery, so just closed him up and he never woke up. I was 12 and lost a dad that had just began to be a father and not just an acquaintance. 

What is is like to have a father? One time when I was around 10 years old, a couple of girlfriends and I went to another friend's house. We walked into her house and what I saw was a little girl alone with a strange man. The thoughts were fear for my friend being alone with this man. It was her father and I was so unaware of what that was about.

I can't miss what I didn't have, but I as I get older, I do. I see dads on TV and wonder what it feels like to have a dad. I watch shows like Castle and wished I had a dad like that. They have such a great relationship.

My dad was an alcoholic when we was married to my mom. I remember he came back once when I was around 7 or 8 years old. He stayed the weekend and when my mom refused to refinance the house to give him money, he left. My mom shared that with me years and years later.  She was always good about not saying negative things about him. She always told me to call him.  I remember the few times we went to pick up the child support check ($25 for each child) at his upholstery shop that he owned. I remember the tacks in my shoes and the fabric covered buttons I made with the button maker.  Sadly, I only remember only four times being with my dad without my mom there.  I was really young in my first memory. I was standing on his shoes...step touch...step touch. He was teaching me to dance. I remember the lady that was with him.  She wore a full 50's style skirt. That skirt ended up being his second wife. Another time I was in my dad's truck...my brother was there too.  We were driving and there was a Santa waving at us from the street corner. It was Christmas time.  He once took us to see a movie at the Reseda drive-in. We saw King of Kings...and finally, there was the first time I'd stayed the weekend with him.  He was married to his 4th wife, Norma. She had two daughters. It was a nice weekend. It was a turning point in our relationship...but then he died.

Maybe I need to create my own father...create him as I want him...maybe he'll be like Castle....